Rafer+Kelly
Françoise-Nielly

Image by Françoise-Nielly

Your mind is playing tricks, do you know how to stop it? Many have asked; what is the most important part of the human experience? The simple answer is LOVE! . It is love of one’s self and love of others. As a Black Gay men, it seems that some of us have mastered the first part but seem to have trouble with the others. Why is finding love such a fleeting proposition for many? What lurks in our own minds may be the problem. Someone I know who seems to have it all together, great job, healthy by aesthetic appearances, but in all this cant find love or has tread relationships like someone who can’t swim flailing around in the deep end of the pool. This has been a consistently troublesome part of his life. This begs the question of why? If the partners from various backgrounds have changed, It can’t be everyone else who has the problem. So what is the problem?

Looking inward is something many of us have a problem doing. As a society, we are taught that we are not the issue but society is.  After all, what we think about in our minds, become our reality.  If our mind has placed these barriers between mates, potential partners, or even friends then it is something only we can remove to get past the roadblock of our own insecurities. There I said it – Insecurities! Black gay men are afraid to vulnerable. After all, we have had to cloak ourselves since childhood being in the closet because of societal confines. We have cloaked our insecurities from the rest of the world, quite successfully in many cases. We have learned that dealing with vulnerability will make us appear weak (if we told the hott jock in high school we liked him, we could be embarrassed so we said nothing and just stayed friends, while satisfying ourselves in our private time with fantasies). Of course, we want the real thing or so we tell ourselves, but do we have the courage to be 100% honest? Many of us have trouble doing this with partners as well. Our own mind or rather the tracks we play in them is the culprit! If our mind is the culprit, then who can I trust? If I can’t trust myself, then I can’t possibly trust anyone? Right?!?

In this case, we have little steering voices called our spirit that acts as our human experience tour guide through life. The cloak of insecurities is not your sword and shield against the world as so many seem  to think. Our ‘voice’ acts as a guide that ensures that we are on the right path even if the mind disagrees.

Our cloak of insecurities often creates alternate realities that are simply not true in the real world. Our mind tells us that a person is bad when our guide is telling us to trust the process and be open to the learning’s. Our cloak is made up of false information designed to supposedly protect us from the world when it is really hiding us from our true potential. Our cloak tells us not to experience the bad things in life when it is these things that mold and shapes us as well as the good, much like how fire destroys and creates. Sometimes we have to step outside of that cloak and see ourselves as we really are, human. As human, we are inherently imperfect because our DNA contains imperfections as it is replicated in our cells. We have no standard bearer as a human for a reason because each of us is an individual designed to learn as we move through life. So do just that, learn! We cannot, especially as black gay men, become a slave to our own minds and hide behind our cloak that has brought so much comfort to us since childhood, like the blankie we would not let go as a toddler. Your cloak will keep you company, but you will always be lonely. So do yourself a favor and throw off that cloak and experience life as yourself! Trust your gut/voice/spirit/intuition to show you and grow you. Get excited about the possibilities and stop wasting time about what could go wrong, like that would keep it from doing so anyway.

Written by Rafer + Kelly

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