privelige in my skin2Have you ever really made love with another person full disclosure and all? Many of us are lights off people when it comes to sex. Nobody wants the off chance that right in the midst of a fantasy, you catch a little too much reality. You know too much body hair, an unflattering position or unfamiliar marks on the body and that’s just what some of us see in the mirror. The darkness is like a good foundation or concealer hiding the dark circles under the eye. In the darkness you can see just enough to allow imagination to fill in the blanks. But what else does the darkness hide from us? Are we hiding more than just our bodies? And how did not truly seeing our partners in the light of truth become the norm?

It’s not just with our sexual partners that we suddenly become master illusionist and create an artificial blindness; we do this every day. Not really seeing people as we commute to work wearing headphones, staring at our phones, reading with our heads bowed intent on not accidently making eye contact with another rider. Our technology keeps us from having to fully engage with other citizens of the world. Don’t even get me started with the ways in which technology has facilitated in diminishing the quality of our interactions: the text message keeps us from hearing people and social media only allows us to see filtered inauthentic branded versions of each other. Today we live in a world where everybody is thinking about the business of self. We construct a social media persona keeping our true selves in the dark, once again finding refuge in the shadows. We make edits to our personality and filter our truths so that others can experience the versions of “us” in the dark, instead of the “us” that we are in the light.

In our Intimacy and Colour work my husband and I often talk about the difference between privacy and secrecy. Privacy in general is the protection of potentially sensitive information that if otherwise unguarded could leave us with considerably undesired consequences such as use of your ss# to open accounts. People are not entitled to your private information and generally we have come to accept this as a society. Secrecy is thoughts/feelings/ real or perceived about ourselves that we keep from others because of the associated stigma and shame attached. For example, I may not readily tell people that I have encountered a high number of sexual partners or that I engage in group sex due to the associated stigma around being labeled a whore (moral/religious shame), questions about my sexual health (moral/religious and physical shame) or that sleeping with what some might perceive to be a large number of people might reinforce sexual orientation stereotypes. Secrecy is a product of fear and secrets create shame, this has always been at the root of my behavior.

Fear is the reason we wear masks and why many of us are only naked in the dark. Unfortunately shame is not covered under Obama care and that is the purpose or life work we are here to do while we have this time on the planet. Shame diminishes are truth telling ability, we lie to one another and we lie to ourselves. All that we do is based on either love or fear. Shame is fear and the more we are able to combat the fear that lives inside of us, the more opportunity we have to be motivated by love. Love is Freedom from judgment and shame and concealing our most vulnerable selves or what we see as imperfections is one of the many ways we have learned to navigate this dog eat dog world but it doesn’t have to be that way. We can live in fear live in our shame and remain hidden in the dark and never make love with the lights on. Or we can make a personal commitment to work on our own fear and shame, combat it with love and acceptance wear a little less of the mask each day stepping out of the dark and closer to the light until we feel the Sun shining on our full selves reflecting the essence of our truth to the world.
Intimacy & Colour LLC

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