“’20 Years Strong’ means Atlanta Black Gay Pride is about more than just a party. It's about expanding the mind for the true meaning of Black Gay Pride; affirmation, advocacy, unity and educatioRead More Read More
“So I recently met this guy during a convention out of town. We happen to make eye contact and decided to exchange numbers the conversation was short due to the fact that he was on his way to the airport. Fast forward we live in separate cities but we are beginning to have feelings for each other. How should I continue a long distant relationship with the uncertainty that moving is an option?”
Dear Long Distance Lover,
At the risk of sounding jaded our first inclination is to advise you to RUN FOR YOUR LIFE! Long distance relationships NEVER WORK, especially those that start off as such. But after we have calmed a bit and are able to think rationally, we still think that you are in for an uphill battle but the road might not be as bumpy as you think. Don’t get us wrong, it is definitely hard to get to know someone and try to establish a solid foundation while living in separate cities. You can’t truly get to know them on weekend visits because everyone is on their best behavior; in vacation mode. But who is he when he goes back home? What happens if you invest all of this time and energy into a long distance relationship, only to then move to the same city and discover a new person that you do not like? Not to mention the lonely days and nights you will spend because of your commitment to a long distance union. It’s a bit different if you are in a relationship with someone and unforeseen circumstances causes one of you to have to move away, because you already have a solid foundation to build upon and to sustain you.
Now with this being said, we also feel you can’t help where you find love. So who are we to say do not pursue a long distance relationship with someone who can potentially be the love of your life? If the feelings are that strong to be with one another, this can still possibly work. However, in order to make it happen it will take a lot of effort from you both. Relationships are already a lot of work within itself, but to build and maintain one that is long distance will be a bit more taxing. We do wonder why moving is not an option for either of you. Relationships take sacrifice and for one that is long distance, someone will have to eventually sacrifice their currently living situation to continue to grow and develop the relationship.
One of the first things you and your long distance love must agree upon is where you would like to see the relationship go and how long you are both willing to continue the relationship long distance. Once this has been established, the four tips below will help you to maintain your relationship while living apart.
1. Communicate – We all know communication is the key to any successful relationship. However, when dealing with one that is long distance, communication is all you have and makes it even more important. Be sure to open up to your partner about worries, doubts or insecurities that could affect your long distance relationship. We are all human and are bound to be plagued by insecurities but the way to get past them is to be transparent and to allow each other to help. Also, have regular check-ins with your partner on your relationship’s status and reevaluate your shared goals and plans as necessary.
2. Spend Quality Time – Sometimes, a long drawn out phone call every night can quickly begin to feel burdensome, leading to resentment. Try to stay in touch with your partner throughout the day instead of scheduling marathon phone calls. Send a quick email or text to say “I love you” or just let him know you’re thinking of him. Take the time to listen to your partner about what is happening in his life, and to do whatever he needs to feel assured of your commitment. Try to visit as much as possible and don’t worry about scheduling events for the entire stay. Spend time just being together doing ‘nothing’. We all need intimacy, so find creative ways to do that. Be creative. With video chat and other technologies, it shouldn’t be hard to achieve this. Even watching a movie together over the phone can be a bonding experience.
3. Trust Each Other – Don’t give him any reason not to trust you. Being far apart from one another can create uncertainty and conflict when you let your imagination get the best of you. Keep your insecurities in check and help your partner do the same by ensuring him he has no reason not to trust you. Don’t keep secrets even if you think they are harmless. It’s better to find out something from you than another person.
4. Live your life — Don’t stop living because you are in a long distance relationship. Get a hobby, take a class, exercise and spend time with family and friends! Meet new people! Develop yourself spiritually! You will be a much better partner when you have a full, healthy life.
Juan & Gee